Egomet

Em busca do auto-controlo....

2006-04-02T11:35:00.000+01:00

Tanto tempo, como se de uma eternidade se tratasse....tanto tempo sem escrever aqui.

Muita coisa mudou, mas não eu, pois continuo na mesma.

Por vezes gostaria de correr com o rio, ser levada pela brisa, ir para longe por alguns instantes...nem sei bem porquê, apenas gostaria que assim fosse. Sou feliz, mas há algo mais nos caminhos que percorro que me suga a força para prosseguir...talvez eu mesma, talvez a minha forma de ser tão pessimista. Por vezes interrogo-me se valerá a pena investir tanto no que gosto. Não será exagerado da minha parte? Querer mais e mais, não parando para pensar que isto me poderá fazer mal...Desculpem-me as pessoas que me têm aturado mais directamente...todos os meus surtos de mau humor, de arrogância, de estupidez. Se tiver que perder algo, então que seja a capacidade de ser estúpida e arrogante com as pessoas que amo, especialmente as duas pessoas muito especiais com quem vivo, e uma terceira pessoa...essa sim a minha alma gémea, que muito tem aguentado devido ao meu mau feitio.

Sinto que este post é apenas um desabafo, sinto-me mais leve...e confiante numa mudança de atitude perante a vida....quero conduzir a vida, não que ela me conduza...eu vim aqui para tentar entender por que razão continuo a ser tão instável. Provavelmente não há explicação, apenas eu tenho que me auto-controlar.

Sábios porcos - espinhos

2005-11-09T18:59:00.000Z

"Durante a era glacial, muitos animais morriam por causa do frio. Os porcos-espinhos, percebendo esta situação, resolveram juntar-se em grupos, assim agasalhavam-se e protegiam-se mutuamente. Mas os espinhos de cada um feriam os companheiros mais próximos, justamente os que forneciam calor. E, por isso, tornavam a afastar-se uns dos outros. Voltaram a morrer congelados e precisavam fazer uma escolha: desapareciam da face da Terra ou aceitavam os espinhos do semelhante. Com sabedoria, decidiram voltar a ficar juntos. Aprenderam assim a conviver com as pequenas feridas que uma relação muito próxima podia causar, já que o mais importante era o calor do outro. Sobreviveram!

Moral da história: O melhor relacionamento não é aquele que une pessoas perfeitas, mas aquele onde cada um aceita os defeitos do outro e consegue pedir perdão pelos próprios defeitos."

Autor: Desconhecido

Egomet

P.S. Depois de algum tempo de ausência decidi dedicar novamente algum tempo a este espaço.

Out of My Mind...

2005-09-22T15:31:00.000+01:00

Fotografia tirada por mim em Sagres, no dia 20 de Agosto deste ano....que belo dia de praia...

Que animais somos nós? Será que nada mais do que simples seres racionais? Não me parece...tantas vezes somos irracionais....e esta é talvez a mais nítida semelhança que temos com os demais seres que connosco co-habitam o planeta. A diferença entre nós e esses mesmos seres parece ser o facto de sermos demasiado complexos.
Como definir a complexidade é um imperioso problema, muitas vezes não passível de definição. Como nos desenvolvemos, como crescemos, como alimentamos toda a nossa complexidade, tantos “comos”, tantos “ses”, tantos “mas”...todos eles fruto de um raciocínio, vezes sem conta “irracional”. Supostamente, e por convenção, deveríamos ser seres exemplares e organizados. É a este ponto que pretendo chegar.....onde se encontra a organização do raciocínio? Quem consegue ser exemplarmente organizado? Serão apenas os loucos?
Por vezes gostaria de ser louca, para que tudo fizesse mais sentido, para que conseguisse organizar tudo, incluindo os sentimentos que por vezes desejo que não sejam mais do que meros espelhos....muito longe da realidade, muito longe do verosímil de toda a minha vivência. Como poderei disfarçar o instinto...tão nítido para algumas pessoas...e não falo de um instinto estético baseado no senso estético. Falo do instinto de que me apercebi há uns dias...o de ser como sou, mesmo quando sei que poderei estar a magoar alguém. Sinto, apenas sinto, que alguém me está a ensinar a mudar este instinto...com toda a força que o irracionalismo possa ter. No fundo não percebo porque existe este fútil instinto...apenas percebo que tem que existir, mas que posso alterá-lo ligeiramente de forma a não magoar quem não merece.

O meu mais sincero agradecimento por seres como és, e por me fazeres “ver as coisas” de outra forma, de forma mais simples, mais verdadeira...por vezes mais irracional. A tua presença tem sido reconfortante, embora eu não o demonstre como deveria....desculpa-me por simplesmente não o conseguir fazer.

Egomet

You’re Beautiful...

2005-08-31T12:00:00.000+01:00

“My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel.

Of that I'm sure (...)

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place, (...)

(...) we shared a moment that will last till the end.(...)

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,

When she thought up that I should be with you. (...)

“You’re Beautiful” performed by James Blunt

Falta-me a inspiração nestes últimos dias...apenas inspiração, porque os pensamentos se mantêm, mas não os tenho concretizado no papel. Concebo esta “falta de inspiração” como reflexo de uma excelente fase na minha vida. Sendo verdade que escrevo muito mais quando me sinto mais "deprimida". Desta excelente fase fazem parte algumas pessoas, e obviamente que és uma delas. Por isso te dedico a letra que aqui cito parcialmente...só tu sabes o que significa para nós.

Egomet

Que sais-je?

2005-08-19T15:49:00.000+01:00

" (...) comment existerait-il même la possibilité d'expliquer quand nous faisons d'abord de toute une image, notre image!"

Nietzsche, Le Gai Savoir, 1950, pág. 150.

O que desperta a minha atenção relativamente a esta citação é o facto de, muitas vezes, a nossa imagem não ser a mais correcta. Quando me refiro à "nossa imagem" quero dizer tudo aquilo que faz de nós o que somos. Vezes sem conta deparamo-nos com atitudes irreflectidas, que num determinado momento pareciam ser o mais adequado possível...pelo menos de acordo com aquilo em que acreditamos, com todos os nossos valores. Mas até que ponto podemos confiar nos nossos valores, sobretudo quando eles estão aliados aos sentimentos?

Egomet

Homo Sentimentalis et Homo Histericus

2005-08-08T15:54:00.000+01:00

“Devemos definir o homo sentimentalis não como uma pessoa que experimenta sentimentos (porque todos somos capazes de os experimentar), mas como uma pessoa que os erigiu em valores. A partir do instante em que o sentimento é considerado como um valor, toda a gente quer senti-lo; e como todos nos orgulhamos dos nossos valores, é grande a tentação de exibirmos os nossos sentimentos. (...)
O sentimento, por definição, surge em nós sem que disso nos apercebamos e muitas vezes contra a nossa vontade. A partir do momento em que queremos experimentá-lo (a partir do momento em que decidimos experimentá-lo) (...) já não é sentimento, mas imitação de sentimento, sua exibição. É o que correntemente se chama histeria. É por isso que o homo sentimentalis (ou por outras palavras, o homem que erigiu o sentimento em valor) é na realidade idêntico ao homo histericus.”

Milan Kundera. A Imortalidade. 187-188

Egomet

Masks In Love....

2005-07-28T12:44:00.000+01:00

"Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within."

James Arthur Baldwin

Egomet

Self Interrogation.....

2005-07-27T12:26:00.000+01:00

Self-Interrogation

"The evening passes fast away,

'Tis almost time to rest;

What thoughts has left the vanished day,

What feelings, in thy breast?

"The vanished day?

It leaves a sense

Of labour hardly done;

Of little, gained with vast expense, - A sense of grief alone!

"Time stands before the door of Death,

Upbraiding bitterly;

And Conscience, with exhaustless breath,

Pours black reproach on me:

"And though I've said that Conscience lies,

And Time should Fate condemn;

Still, sad Repentance clouds my eyes,

And makes me yield to them!

"Then art thou glad to seek repose?

Art glad to leave the sea,

And anchor all thy weary woes

In calm Eternity?

"Nothing regrets to see thee go -

Not one voice sobs "farewell,"

And where thy heart has suffered so,

Canst thou desire to dwell?"

"Alas! The countless links are strong

That bind us to our clay;

The loving spirit lingers long,

And would not pass away!

"And rest is sweet, when laurelled fame

Will crown the soldier's crest;

But, a brave heart, with a tarnished name,

Would rather fight than rest."

"Well, thou hast fought for many a year,

Hast fought thy whole life through,

Hast humbled Falsehood, trampled Fear;

What is there left to do?"

"'Tis true, this arm has hotly striven,

Has dared what few would dare;

Much have I done, and freely given,

But little learnt to bear!"

"Look on the grave, where thou must sleep,

Thy last, and strongest foe;

It is endurance not to weep,

If that repose seem woe.

"The long war closing in defeat,

Defeat serenely borne,

Thy midnight rest may still be sweet,

And break in glorious morn!"

Emily Jane Brontë

Egomet

At a Lunar Eclipse.....

2005-07-20T13:38:00.000+01:00

AT A LUNAR ECLIPSE

"Thy shadow, Earth, from Pole to Central Sea,

Now steals along upon the Moon's meek shine

In even monochrome and curving line

Of imperturbable serenity.

How shall I link such sun-cast symmetry

With the torn troubled form I know as thine,

That profile, placid as a brow divine,

With continents of moil and misery?

And can immense Mortality but throw

So small a shade, and Heaven's high human scheme

Be hemmed within the coasts yon arc implies?

Is such the stellar gauge of earthly show,

Nation at war with nation, brains that teem,

Heroes, and women fairer than the skies?"

By Thomas Hardy (1840-1928)

Egomet

Forever Friends....

2005-07-18T16:15:00.000+01:00

This is especifically for you (3 friends with who I shared saturday night). Friendship teaches us so much that sometimes it changes us (not always in the same direction, but it changes)....

And time is, undoubtedly, a valuable thing (you understand what I mean...).

Thanks for those moments...and thanks for being who you are and for accepting me the way I am.

Kisses

Egomet

Direitos....

2005-07-14T14:03:00.000+01:00

“ (…) O mundo tornou-se um direito do homem e tudo se transformou em direito: o desejo de amor em direito ao amor, o desejo de repouso em direito ao repouso, o desejo de amizade em direito à amizade, o desejo de guiar depressa de mais em direito de guiar depressa de mais, o desejo de felicidade em direito à felicidade, o desejo de publicar um livro em direito de publicar um livro, o desejo de se gritar à noite nas ruas em direito de gritar à noite nas ruas. (…)”

Kundera, M. (2001). A Imortalidade. pág. 135. 5ª edição.

Um dos aspectos mais característicos da filosofia de Sócrates é a introspecção, expressa no lema “conhece-te ti mesmo”. Equivocamo-nos, repetidamente, cogitando que é fácil cumprir este lema. A introspecção parece ser mais facilmente atingida quando nos tornamos conscientes da nossa ignorância, porque é isso que nos conduz à sabedoria. Sabermos que somos, de alguma forma, ignorantes torna-nos virtuosos seres em busca do conhecimento, ouvindo a voz interior do génio e a do demónio (todos as transportamos, sendo fundamental saber ouvi-las).

Por vezes, a liberdade destas vozes é peculiarmente austera, crítica e irónica. Estas características são projectadas para o ser, sendo a consequência mais nítida a de descontentamento geral, concretização, racionalização, um estado de ânimo hostil, ou não. Será um estado de ânimo hostil desejável, ou nem por isso? Por vezes as evidências a favor deste estado de ânimo esbatem-se contra nós, sem que nos apercebamos. É ele que nos permite corromper o que é concebido como dado adquirido, e esbatemo-nos muitas vezes contra a parede pessoal que foi construída quase imperceptivelmente. Concebo este estado de ânimo como um juíz intrinsecamente relacionado com a justiça humana. Este juíz ilumina-nos os olhos da alma, permitindo-nos ver não uma solução empírica para a vida terrena, mas sim o juízo eterno da razão. Assim se caminha em direcção à imortalidade.

Egomet

This night in this city…

2005-07-09T14:56:00.000+01:00

Shamefully I do not remember where this photo was taken from, neither its author, but I like it.

Staring at the window smoking the last cigarette of the night, and simultaneously the first cigarette of the day…The only sounds I hear are those of cars passing in the street. No signs of wind, the trees’ leaves stand still, as if they were dead, as if the city was alive, but simultaneously dead. The essence my olfactory system perceives is simply my own essence, my own perfume.

The only place where there is some movement is inside my mind, my thoughts are running a marathon, they do not rest, and they are constantly moving, making a party by their own. And I, I decide to join their party while smoking this cigarette. Incredibly, I want to stand still while having fun with my thoughts, because they make me realize the way I already am nostalgic even simply thinking about the last few months spent in this city. Most of all, they make me realize the way this nostalgia is affecting me. I love this city, I love all the moments spent here, all those moments I did not spend, all the perceived sensations, all the unperceived sensations. I feel happy for being here, but unhappy because these are the last nights I am spending here. I will obviously come back, for several reasons I know I will have to, but it will be different, because it will not be so often. I learnt a lot during the last eight/nine months, but I wouldn’t mind if it took longer, if I could stay here a bit longer, because I am finding myself, I am starting to feel free, and most of all I want to scream I feel free.

I know you will say I am being ridiculous because I knew, since the beginning, things would be this way and I would never stay here more than these few months (even it was only during a few days per week). But, what can I do if I love this city, if I love the way it makes me feel me.

Egomet

P.S. I know perfectly well this is a nonsense post, but since most things I write are nonsense ones, I decided to leave this one here as well.

Untitled…

2005-07-04T18:03:00.000+01:00

Through the fountains of my inner life, I see and I feel years passing through. I see nights, I feel nights, I see days and I feel them, ones more than others. Some days I feel things with an open heart, other days my heart is locked in such a way that it seems I will need a key to open it, mainly because I used a padlock to lock it. Some days I want to open it, but others I want to keep it locked. Some days I feel desolated, like an old grey stone, but other days I feel bright and red, with a clear looking; without torrents, only fountains remain. These are those good days, when I fight for my thoughts, my passions, and my delights, when I have glittering eyes…when I feel like a simple and glorious child. The bad days are those when my eyes become wild, blind, without smell, without sensation, without audition, like misshapen stones. It seems that my life and my soul change according the way I want to perceive and to feel everything, like a life and a soul for every mode of being. But, even so, they cannot be disconnected, they must be linked: like a child and his mother, like a bird and his nest, like a body and its soul, like a play and its characters and author. My life and my soul cannot be solitary beings, and I believe together they will feed my sunshine, my prosperous and unthinking desires, all my blessings, all my scraps and fragments.

Egomet

Live 8....

2005-07-04T17:07:00.000+01:00

That's not a matter of charity, but a matter of justice.

The only thing you have to do is to sign your name...mine is already there.

http://www.live8live.com

Is a difficult task, but at least is possible to try to change the world (I am not saying we will change it, but we must believe our chances are bigger than they were a few years ago).

Egomet

Próximo do Grito de libertação

2005-06-17T14:35:00.000+01:00

Incoerentes palavras, irreflectidas, adocicadas, por vezes, por um modo de agir. Leves palavras, facilmente transportadas pelo vento, pela brisa quente do Verão. Palavras queimadas pelo poderoso e alucinante Sol, mordidas pelos dentes de um vampiro que numa noite, como muitas outras, apareceu e delas tentou sugar o que elas próprias pensavam que não significavam.
Palavras que secam todas as tristezas, todas as desilusões, tudo o que incomoda sem magoar...apenas incómodo, nada mais. O que dói não é o sinal mal colocado, mas o gume da pedra afiada para dissecar tudo o que se rejeita. Sentimento ambíguo de dor e prazer, de desespero e sublimação. Actos a favor desta faca, actos contra esta faca, todos eles são reconfortantes, todos eles permitem o grito de libertação, o grito de um anjo outrora perdido, mas que agora se encontra a cada dia que passa, e que em todos os momentos deseja ir mais além, e confessar tudo à Lua e no seu colo ser embalado pela melodiosa harpa que sobejamente encanta o espiríto de um anjo um dia perdido, mas agora achado. Sem medo, sem dúvidas, sem receio de agir, de confessar desejos e sentimentos....ocultá-los foi durante anos um fortalecimento que permitiu conscientemente perder uma batalha, mas muitas outras se seguem e o anjo não vai perder a guerra porque não deseja ocultá-los. Já está a vencer mais uma batalha por não ocultar sentimentos, e nenhum vampiro conseguirá sugar o seu ânimo...o anjo não o permitirá. Vampiro é apenas um substantivo poderoso, mas no fundo é assim que se comporta o espírito do anjo quando ele está prestes a perder-se. Dentro do anjo existe um vampiro, que se comporta como um fantasma assustador, inibidor, destruidor, não permitindo que o anjo se revele, que o anjo grite e lute pela liberdade. O anjo foi mais forte e destruiu os dentes do vampiro e as forças do fantasma. O anjo quase que grita “Sou livre!”...poucos momentos distanciam o anjo de proferir estas palavras...é verosímil prever este grito como um grito de felicidade extrema, de sublimação poucas vezes experienciada, sentida, desejada. O anjo é quem decide, se deixa viver o vampiro e o fantasma, ou se os aniquila de uma vez para sempre.....o anjo está lentamente a aniquilá-los com a ajuda de outro anjo, com a sua insustentável presença, com as suas adocicadas palavras.

Egomet

Grito de libertação....

2005-06-11T16:20:00.000+01:00

“Não posso adiar o amor para outro século
não posso
ainda que o grito sufoque na garganta
ainda que o ódio estale e crepite e arda
sob montanhas cinzentas e montanhas cinzentas
(...)
não posso adiar para outro século a minha vida
nem o meu amor
nem o meu grito de libertação
não posso adiar o coração”

António Ramos Rosa in Viagem através Duma Nebulosa (1960)

Este excerto reflecte um pouco aquilo que sinto, aquilo que tenho vindo a sentir, exceptuando a parte do ódio...porque esse sentimento não existe em mim. Há sentimentos que não se devem adiar, que devem ter toda a liberdade de expressão a que têm direito. Se, um dia, uma das minhas batalhas foi aniquilar a liberdade de expressão desses sentimentos, hoje sem dúvida alguma desisti dessa batalha. Não vou adiar a minha vida, não vou "adiar o coração", mas mesmo assim tenho que ser sincera e assumir que não tem sido fácil desistir de uma batalha que tem sido travada durante anos. Um dia, alguém me disse (ainda que através de outras palavras) que eu estava a construir uma prisão pessoal, uma colossal prisão, que não me permitia "o meu grito de libertação", e eu nunca o quis assumir. Hoje, depois de tantos anos, sei que tinhas razão...só que já não to posso dizer. Bem sei que pode ser apenas uma fantasia, mas quero acreditar que estás aí em cima a tomar conta de nós, que muitas vezes és a voz da minha consciência, e que ficas feliz porque vês que estou feliz, e que estou a lutar pelo "meu grito de libertação".

Recentemente, uma outra pessoa abriu-me os olhos para o facto de eu não tentar viver sem as minhas máscaras, que verdadeiramente me escondem. Obrigada I., nem sabes o quanto me tens aberto os olhos, o espírito. Ainda não consigo viver sem as máscaras, mas aos poucos estou a tentar, e um dia vou conseguir gritar que me sinto livre.

Egomet

Misteriosa Catarse

2005-06-09T11:18:00.000+01:00

O fundamento de qualquer tragédia seria, segundo Aristóteles, ao suscitar sentimentos de terror e de piedade, o de exercer um efeito de purificação relativamente a estes mesmos sentimentos.

Mas então, este é apenas o objectivo, o fundamento e não o que é, concretamente, a catarse. Qual a essência da catarse, como é percepcionada?

No entanto, esta interpretação da catarse como purificação dos sentimentos de terror e de piedade não é unanimemente aceite por todos os teóricos. Por um lado, há os que advogam o vulgar critério de que os sentimentos em que incide a catarse são os de terror e piedade, despertados pela tragédia. Por outro lado, há teóricos que argumentam que a catarse é exercida não apenas sobre os sentimentos de terror e piedade, mas sobre muitos outros.

Não posso deixar de focar o facto de, qualquer que seja o sentimento sobre o qual a catarse exerce os seus efeitos, a catarse não deve ser concebida como uma expurgação. A razão para tal argumento reside no facto de, para que existisse expurgação, teria obrigatoriamente que ocorrer uma acção, nomeadamente a de eliminar os sentimentos de terror e de piedade.

Desta forma, é mais sensato conceber a catarse como purificação e não como expurgação. Os sentimentos já referidos podem, assim, resultar da função catártica da tragédia.

A analogia que estabeleço entre estes conceitos e a vida do ser humano é demasiado óbvia para mim. Quando algo não corre da forma mais desejada, mais esperada, mais ambicionada, há um sentimento ou amálgama de sentimentos que nos irrompe do ser…tornando-nos, por vezes, irracionais (sentimo-lo como se de uma tragédia se tratasse). No entanto, à medida que o vento, a brisa, a vida que continua em nosso redor, se consolidam, algo muda. Sinto, muitas vezes que a racionalidade insiste em não me abandonar, permitindo-me procurar que a “tragédia” exerça a sua função catártica sobre mim. Por vezes, os sentimentos que são purificados pela catarse deveriam ser procurados, porque a sensação de liberdade depois da purificação é de tal forma transcendental que se torna desejável senti-la pelos menos algumas vezes na vida. De alguma forma já o senti, não com sentimentos de terror e de piedade, mas com outros sentimentos que me esgotaram as energias…não conseguindo lutar contra mim mesma…e isto é o pior que me pode acontecer….A catarse permitiu-me restabelecer energias…tornar-me mais forte…mais confiante…acordou-me para a vida e fez com que eu desejasse ardentemente abraçar a vida.

Terror e piedade…sentimentos inerentes à situação trágica, que consiste, segundo Aristóteles no “homem que não se distingue pela virtude ou pela justiça; se cai no infortúnio, tal não acontece porque seja vil ou malvado, mas por força de algum erro”.

Será que tudo o que não acontece como desejado se deve única e exclusivamente a um erro, a um deslize? Muitas vezes penso que sim, mas há momentos em que acordo dessa realidade preconcebida e interiorizo a minha opinião relativamente a determinados acontecimentos….alguns bons, outros maus…e aí tenho a certeza absoluta de que nada fiz para que ocorressem. Bem sei que todos estes momentos…acontecimentos…são meras metonímias do todo que deveria ser a minha vida, mas mesmo assim sou incapaz de não os sentir como únicos…sobretudo devido aos sentimentos que despertam em mim.

P.S. Em contínuo ou prolongado estado de purificação. Há algumas pessoas que fazem parte deste estado, e tu és uma delas. Percebo por que razão ficaste surpreendido, mas agora já sabes e temos que assumir que o resultado tem sido enriquecedor....

Egomet

Walking with my ghosts

2005-06-06T18:30:00.000+01:00

Incredible is the way my ghosts walk more than I do....they are all the time walking around, being witnesses of my existence and life. Why I do not abolish them, why I do not erase them from the dimension I live in…
I don’t know, but probably the reason is that sometimes they are so useful, that I believe some of them will never disappear because I don’t want. What am I afraid of? I know something scares me, but I just can’t define it. Sometimes I miss some homeostasis…an association between my body, my spirit and my soul. Sometimes I want to remember, others I want to forget. The other day I realized I wouldn’t mind to get lost for a few moments, in order to have the opportunity to find myself. I desire, a few times, to condensate an infinite number of gestures in one single gesture…I know which is and what it means to me…I just don’t know what does it mean for some people, because others know me quite well to know what am I referring to. One day I will be in a garden, living as free as possible, like sea waves, where attractively the sea kisses my lips, where exciting is the feeling burning inside me, where fresh is the breeze of sea waves, encouraging is the sea strength, enjoyable is the sunset and pleasure is what I feel for admiring the sunset at the beach. Simultaneously I let my thoughts walk through sea waves….chronologically I recall all pleasant moments spent here…omniscient is my sublimation for being here…sympathies I feel with each sea wave, with each grain of sand…thousands of choices, thousands of thoughts fed by sea water…fascinating picture is the sea and the sunset sky, almost as many in one…seeds of my words, waves of my being.
I simply would like to reach an almost complete existence….someday death will come, and I am afraid of it, mainly because I feel I have so many other experiences to live….I deeply want to live them….I will always be incomplete…we all are….but even so, I will try to reach a higher and complete level…at least what is possible to achieve.
I don’t give up…that’s what hope exists for. For the common sense, hope is something positive. A blessing that does not contemplate all human beings equally, but when it is present makes us stronger. According to Nietzsche, hope was a mere illusion, a fantasy that would lead people to be dependent of it...experiencing a bigger frustration state. Hope would have as consequence a long-term pain. I do not agree with these ideas…hope is so good…we get so stupid with it…and this is the best way to learn something….I learn more when I realize how I was stupid in a given situation. Thus, I fight for hope, stupidity, knowledge and learning.

“De todas as virtudes, a esperança é aquela que mais importante é para a vida. Porque sem ela quem se atreveria a começar uma qualquer actividade, a iniciar um qualquer empreendimento? Quem teria a coragem de enfrentar o futuro, obscuro, incerto, imprevisível?”

Alberoni, F. A Esperança.

Egomet

Empatia Imortal....

2005-05-28T23:37:00.000+01:00

Sei de cor cada passo que pretendo dar, longe de mim estão os caminhos que desejo percorrer. Caminhos sem rosas, sem luar, caminhos silenciosos, frios, sombrios. Caminhos lacerados, por onde me perderei sempre que desejar e quando não desejar. São estes caminhos lacerados que me darão resposta aos segredos mais profundos, mais escondidos da minha consciência. Quem percorrerá comigo estes caminhos....a minha mais profunda consciência, a minha sombra que transporta consigo toda a transparência existente em mim. Caminhos mágicos, por onde descobrirei o que sou e o que pretendo ser. Caminhos que me ajudarão a decidir se desejo apenas existir, ou se desejo ir mais além e Viver. Caminhos que me ensinarão a conviver com a dor, com a alegria, com a inexistência, com a decadência, com a demência, com o tédio, com a vontade, com a mágoa. Enfim, como atingir a sublimação, como atingir o que de melhor deverá existir dentro de mim, onde haverá tranquilidade, algo puro, delicado, sublime e transcendentemente sonhador. Da viagem por todos estes caminhos fazem parte alguns momentos especiais, de entre os quais posso citar uma noite especial. Incredulamente sinto ainda a noite passada a correr-me nas veias, com igual intensidade à de uma noite de loucura. Defino-a como noite nostálgica e memorável, em que uma inexplicável empatia com experiências passadas se abateu sobre os nossos seres. Os sorrisos, as gargalhadas, a cumplicidade dos olhares, os gestos...todos eles embalados por um desejo comum..por um caminho comum....o de alegremente recordar episódios inquestionavelmente memoráveis, únicos, que de tão subtis na altura, são hoje a alma deste processo de recordação, são a alma da empatia sentida ontem, hoje e sempre...uma empatia imortal. Este caminho estará sempre e inquestionavelmente à minha frente, e sei-o porque as provações assim o permitem. Outros caminhos desejo e desejarei abrir e percorrer com toda a mágica subtileza de quem os descobre e os explora como se fosse o primeiro caminho encontrado...como se de um trunfo se tratasse, com todo o seu encanto.

Egomet

A Lua....

2005-05-28T16:10:00.000+01:00

Esta noite a lua chora, as nuvens foram raptadas por um anjo que as ofereceu a alguém especial. O vento chora, sente a falta das companheiras de viagem, as nuvens. A lua continua a chorar, falta-lhe a sublimação, a integração cósmica, não é capaz de expulsar a matéria, por isso o espírito se encontra atormentado. A lua deseja ardentemente o transcendente, o antimaterialismo, deseja a permanência do crepúsculo, repugna o amanhecer e toda a sua cristaleza. Vagos contornos desta lua, que recorda noites remotas, palavras de lamento a ela confessadas....noites de solidão com elas partilhadas, uma constelação de vivências, as palpitações sentidas por quem tem a lua como confidente. As sensações rasgadas pelas cordas da harpa que embala a noite, que embala a lua, que embala o ser que comunica com a lua. A lua produz apenas leves suspiros, usa a máscara que lhe permite encobrir as mágoas, esquecendo-as quando o ser lhe confessa as suas...a lua é esta e todas as noites a confidente almejada. A lua que permite que gemidos, prantos, mágoas, pseudo-harmonias se esvaneçam ao som de uma harpa incoerentemente melancólica, nostálgica. O ser anseia pelo silêncio da lua, pelo som da harpa, e eis que é tudo o que ecoa no seu espírito atormentado. O mistério do silêncio da lua transcende o silêncio do apaziguante mar, das suas ondas cristalinas. O mar permite que as almas voem, a lua prende-as a ela, ao seu silêncio, sendo a prisão colossal e abandonada nesta noite.

Egomet

Simbolismo...

2005-05-27T00:34:00.000+01:00

Se tivesse que escolher a corrente poética que mais me apaixona, que mais me seduz, inequivocamente e sem sombra de dúvida, escolheria o Simbolismo...sobretudo por nos permitir extrapolar tudo o que é aceitável, tudo o que está pré-concebido, tudo o que é pura e simplesmente aceite. Jacinto Prado Coelho define-o como «escola ou corrente poética (...) que se afirma sobretudo entre 1890 e 1915 e que se define por um conjunto de aspectos, aliás variáveis de autor para autor, que dizem respeito às atitudes perante a vida, à concepção da arte literária, aos motivos e ao estilo.(...) Serão simbolistas os poetas que participam de todas, ou quase todas, as seguintes características: reviviscência do gosto romântico do vago, do nebuloso, do impalpável; amor da paisagem esfumada e melancólica, outoniça ou crepuscular; visão pessimista da existência, cuja efemeridade é dolorosamente sentida; temática do tédio e da desilusão; distanciamento do Real, egotismo aristocrático, e subtil análise de cambiantes sensoriais e afectivos; repúdio do lirismo de confissão directa, ao modo romântico, expansivo e oratório, e preferência pela sugestão indecisa de estados de alma abstraídos do contexto biográfico, impersonalizados; larga utilização, não só do símbolo tipicamente simbolista, polivalente e intraduzível, mas da alegoria, da imagem a que deliberada e claramente se confere um valor simbólico, da comparação expressa ou implícita, da sinestesia, da imagem simplesmente decorativa;(...) musicalidade que não se reduz ao jogo de sonoridades do verso, antes, como observa Marcel Raymond, se prolonga em ressonância interior até para além da leitura do texto; libertação de ritmos...;».
(in Dicionário de Literatura, pgs.1026 e 1027)

Egomet

Brompton Oratory...

2005-05-26T20:18:00.000+01:00

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing. One cannot help but be in awe when he contemplates the mysteries of eternity, of life, of the marvellous structure of reality."

Edmund Burke

"Be brave enough to live life creatively. The creative is the place where no one else has ever been. You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition. You can’t get there by bus, only by hard work and risk and by not quite knowing what you are doing. What you’ll discover will be wonderful. What you’ll discover will be yourself."

Alan Alda

Egomet

Lado a lado...escuro e luar

2005-05-26T13:01:00.000+01:00

Palavras...leva-as o vento...são simultaneamente a minha salvação e a minha perdição...pecado e virtude. Pecado o facto de não as pronunciar oralmente, virtude por as escrever....sabendo que me preenche esta atitude...que sem ela me sentiria ainda mais incompleta.
O vento já não passa aqui...sinto falta do vento para levar todas as minhas palavras. O vento...o tempo..tantas vezes desordenados..fogem para locais longe da minha vista, longe do meu coração, longe da minha mente, longe do meu ser. Condensaria eu o tempo e o vento num único momento final interminável. Senti-los-ia de forma única, peculiar, trivial...a trivialidade dever-se-ia ao facto de ser inequivocamente um desejo realizado...concebido de forma única e jamais por mim experenciada..... incoerentemente reproduzível.
O meu vento, o meu momento, o meu tempo...nada disto é verosímil..aquilo que concebo como meu não o é. Consiste apenas numa partícula, numa metonímia de tudo aquilo que me rodeia, que me absorve, que eu absorvo, que me respira, que eu respiro, que eu transpareço, que me transparece.
Surpreendentemente não desejo que o vento leve as minhas palavras, mas sim que as torne inesquecíveis e dignas de uma nostalgia insustentável por mim vivenciada....por isso vou lutar enquanto forças tiver...até porque são estas mesmas palavras que me dão força para por elas pugnar. Simplesmente palavras...mas no fundo são para mim dotadas de uma essência própria e não permutável....são de forma estranha e inexplicável aquilo que sinto...aquilo que me vai na alma. Ainda que não possua o dom da escrita as futilidades que escrevo fazem-me sentir mais leve...por vezes quase uma insustentável leveza....e talvez por isso deseje incessantemente ter tempo para as escrever.
Se num momento dentro de mim sinto que apenas existe um abismo...a escrita transforma-o numa praia ao fim do dia....em que a luz natural esverdeará ainda mais os meus olhos e permitir-me-á ver tudo mais claro...mais límpido...mais cristalino...abolindo o que de mais gelado e escuro observo dentro de mim...deixando por isso de ser um anjo perdido...passando a ser um anjo que se encontrou a ele próprio...que encontrou o caminho que por tanto procurava....como uma demanda incompletamente cumprida.

Egomet

Bedeutung

2005-05-25T16:53:00.000+01:00

External world and its sense….its creation…the creation of sense…..anyone can create it…as well as “anyone can play guitar”, and I believe anyone can create a meaning to a Camilo Pessanha’s poem (obviously it will vary from reader to reader, but that’s how poetry is!).
How do I perceive my own words? In a psycholinguistic perspective, probably as parts of my mental dictionary (computational metaphor), but the way they are perceived by others….probably as part of an encyclopaedia because they are differently perceived by each reader. The way I change my mood in different situations makes me feel stupid..makes me feel strong…makes me feel I got something I don’t know what it is…I perceive my own ideas and words sometimes in a wrong way! (How ridiculous it is when we establish misconceptions about ourselves!)
I could simply whisper…or I could simply start shouting….someone would create a meaning to my behaviour…it is stronger than ourselves….Even the absurd has a meaning….and laughing at it is even more meaningful!
Which is the value of my linguistic signs, which is the meaning of their contents, how do I form a lexical field in my mental dictionary….which are my definitions….I am not thinking only about the way I use language…but also the way this use influences all my thoughts, all my perceptive system. Where is the origin of meaning…do we bake it the way we bake a cake? Do we reach it the way birds make a nest? Do we establish it the way butterflies search for flowers? I know for sure that it is impossible to taste the meaning of things taking them as particular events….isolated events make no sense….only unifying these events makes sense…and probably that’s how we create meanings. Believing they do not simply exist….makes me search for them..not only when I use and perceive language…but also in non-linguistic events. The way meanings are created is amazing….I can simply stand still observing the sunset and even with an absence of words it has a meaning my perceptive system computes…encodes…stores…stimulates my being…my soul..my body and my mind. This is an isolated meaning..because I am the only one who is perceiving the moment this way…the only one who is constructing a given meaning to a given moment, probably already experienced by most human beings. Thus, I paraphrase Nietzsche’ words…Who speaks? Words themselves? Or those who use these words?
We can speak and, even so, sometimes those produced words have no meaning at all. So many times I use the wrong words to express my thoughts….when I want to express them! Words must be produced in order to transmit the meaning we want them to have…they do not speak by themselves, I believe! That’s why we use metaphors…and its amazing consequence is the wonderful world of flying meanings!
Running through the paths of my being…running through the amazingly stupid worries…I realize the meaning I create for them is completely meaningless. Sometimes even my words are meaningless…Do I create meanings for my worries…or they already have meanings? I believe this is the same as in language, in the use of words…I create my worries’ meanings….and that’s why sometimes they seem so absurd…because I am the only one who creates them this way.

Egomet

Busy Times....

2005-05-23T15:32:00.000+01:00

Without time to write something else, I simply leave two quotes I truly appreciate....I think about them...but I have no time to translate my thoughts to written language....

”He who has a why to live can bear almost any how.”
Friedrich Nietzsche

“The perfect normal person is rare in our civilization”
Karen Horney

Egomet

Moments

2005-05-20T21:22:00.000+01:00

How can I feel this moment….I just close my eyes….I listen to the sound….feel all that I want….feel this moment….this pleasant moment….I want to scream…I want to jump….I want to have fun….I want to dance the all night….I want to talk (amazingly it is true!) till the moment someone tells me to shut my mouth down! Why am I writing all these things???!!!
Music is something spiritual, is part of the body, of our soul. Through music we feel free. I never thought I get to this point I my life…emotions run like a town….I don’t know if something would ever return…but I am the one who will decide if something will return or not….a few things happen because we make them happen….
I don’t want some things to be repeated….I prefer to have them in my memory…I don’t know quite sure why…but I prefer things this way….
Getting this point in my life….when all that I want is to absorb everything around me….getting absorbed by what surrounds me….going with the wind…tasting the wind and all of its advantages and disadvantages….
I perceive disadvantages as those unexpected things with which I don’t know how to deal….but they teach me so much, that I am not even able to say that I don’t want them…
Obviously I am happy for being alive…for being inconsistent, but sometimes I would like to make my thoughts come true….and I am referring to the sentence where I say I want to talk…so many times I want…but I feel I am not able…it seems I have glue on my lips…and they do not move the way I want. I think this is probably one of my ghosts (I know sometimes I am the one who does not want to speak…but sometimes when I want to do it I feel I am not able….a punishment probably!). Something for my mind, my body, and my soul…. it’s the power around curiosity….the purpose…my journey of force….with no limits or boundaries….that’s what I want to reach…the point of greatest intensity…pleasures of the highest senses….feelings of security….sensations wanted and unwanted….
For those who know me this seems senseless because I look like a very peaceful girl…who does not want movement…who does not want to be shaken…but that’s not true….I just don’t show exactly the way I am….sometimes I want this…but than I want it differently….inconsistency at the highest level…sometimes it is good, but not all the time….sometimes I hurt myself for being this way….I know which are my goals….what I change are the paths to attain them….that’s where my inconsistency appears….I fight for what I want, but not always it seems I am doing it.

Egomet

Where I would like to be....

2005-05-19T16:43:00.000+01:00

I would like to be in the beach, running in the sand, near the sea, feeling sand on my feet, tasting sea water in my mouth, breathing a fresh sea air, feeling the sunset, feeling free, feeling like a feather flowing. The sunset on the beach inspires me amazingly...I get stronger, I feel things in a different way, everything becomes easier (even if it is only in my mind!). Moments as this one I am describing....I feel them as wonderful and personal episodes of my life...and my memory functions allow me to store and recall them whenever I want, mainly when I have no time to repeat them....like I am doing at the moment. I am performing a written recall test. Simultaneously I recall all the meaningful material, all those things that awake my learning ability in dimensions and modalities of my memory.

Why do I integrate such information this way? Probably because most of the times meaningful things are easily retained. However, from all the meaningful things, not all of them are recalled within the same dimension...because some are more painful than others. That's funny when we try to "cover" the worst ones, living intensely all the good memories...all the pleasant moments, even when they teach us less than the bad ones.

It is good to recall some of these moments together with our friends. However, when I go to the beach yo have some introspection moments, I prefer to go alone, I feel my inspiration differently, I float, I fly, I cry, I laugh, I run, I walk, and I feel my mind, my soul....I feel me so peaceful, that's hard to explain. I simply feel fine!

Even so, I can't do this everyday...I cannot argue for something that's not possible to reach...a completely peaceful spirit, body and soul...A peaceful being! I argue for what's possible...some peaceful moments. That's why we taste them differently..that's why they are so meaningful!

Egomet

Time wings

2005-05-17T12:24:00.000+01:00

I would like to overtly see where my time flies to, how does it fly, its velocity, its intensity.
In a fascinating way I feel the time wings absorb my ideas, my arguments in favour of my ideas. In a ridiculous way I would like someone to paint me, not physically, but psychologically…to paint my inner part, without all my disguises (my “mascaras”), without all the walls. It would be like a short story, like an unpleasant, but simultaneously pleasant sensation…it would be like when we try to see the sun in the middle of several grey clouds walking in the sky, but it does not show up.
The painting I am referring to would be as truthful as possible. But who would be able of using a paintbrush to do it? Probably no one….only myself….it is supposed we know ourselves, thus I will have to be the painter…I already am…but I do not use a paintbrush…I use a pen…
Even so…someday I will try to do it with a paintbrush.

Egomet

Saturday Night (An amazing one!)

2005-05-16T13:42:00.000+01:00

I could simply say that Saturday night was an amazing one….
As expected…the night started in Glorioso’s stadium with 3 friends from Algarve, where the emotions were too strong to be described…I am lucky for not having any heart disease! Yesterday I was almost voiceless…a consequence of Saturday night craziness!
After the game..walking in Lisbon streets was a great sensation…a great number of people commemorating the same thing….it seems things were felt in a different way…it moves the city…it moves people…lots of people…including myself. It made me remember New Year’s Evening!
Obviously after the game I could not go home…I was unable to do such a thing…and I went to Bairro Alto with friends from Lisbon….lots of alcohol (I was simply drunk!) and lots of cigarettes (as usual!). A long time ago I didn’t have a night as this one!
Details of the night are unnecessary…because what matters is the final product…and this one was 100% perfect!

Egomet

Joyful feelings…

2005-05-13T11:57:00.000+01:00

This post was written two days ago, but I forgot to publish it…Even so the feelings remain.

Looking at the blue sky, where clouds dance….listening to birds sounds…it makes me laugh. I do not appreciate spring for several reasons, but simultaneously there are other reasons that pleasure me, that make me feel less cloudy. The sunlight is obviously better than a dark sky, full of grey clouds. There is some incoherence in my words, but that’s what happens when I hear Pete Tha Zouk’s sounds….I do not appreciate house music, but there is one that truly touches my feelings. It transports me to a level of sublimation…stability….like a volcano ready to erupt…like a bullet ready to be expelled from a gun. I truly love to dance…more in private, but if I hear this sound outside of my room I dance anyway…I feel so secure of myself…so me…so so so. I am laughing overtly while writing this because almost all the time I criticize my sister music preferences, and those of a few friends, but this music is completely different….it unables me to criticize those who listen only House Music. I feel I need to render myself to the evidences….and to change a bit my criticism (although sometimes it is not overt…but that’s a trace of myself…probably a bad one…but what can I do…I must accept myself, even when others criticize me for my acts or absence of acts).

Egomet

I would like to….

2005-05-13T11:43:00.000+01:00

Gostaria eu de ser poeta para poder elevar-me a um nível que desta forma jamais atingirei. Gostaria eu de ser capaz de condensar o infinito num único e inesquecível momento por acabar. Gostaria eu de estabelecer uma harmonia entre o meu corpo, o meu espírito e a minha alma. Gostaria eu de amar perdidamente, mas uma mentira seria. Gostaria eu de encontrar a minha voz, muitas vezes ausente. Porquê?
Porque tenho medo e os outros não, porque me calo e os outros não, porque não me conheço...ou melhor, porque desprezo o que conheço. Gostaria eu de me deixar levar pela harmonia de um pôr-do-sol à beira mar. Gostaria de me deixar levar pelo poder das ondas do mar. Gostaria de viver tão livre como o vento, de caminhar acima das águas do oceano, de um lago imenso, e de sobrevoar todos os mistérios embalados na minha existência.

Egomet

Érgon

2005-05-13T11:37:00.000+01:00

All literary genres are an imitation…and according to Aristotle, imitation is something intrinsic to human beings. This imitation occurs in all arts, namely an imitation of the rhythm, language, harmony. It does not mean these aspects have to coexist….they can occur separately. Although there are a lot of similarities between literary genres, there are always obvious differences. This is what happens with human beings: similarities and plenty of differences. The question is why the similarities are established…differences are easier to define, but similarities are incredibly difficult to delineate. Amazingly tragedy is the most complete imitation, although we all prefer, most of the times, to read a comedy. Tragedy is the imitation of a complete action, with completeness and grandiosity. However, not all complete things have grandiosity. What is a complete concept, thing? Probably something that has all the expected parts intrinsically connected. When Aristotle talks about this he makes reference to the beautiful…one of the most abstract concepts we deal with (at least is my point of view). Something beautiful is, according to Aristotle, all the parts ordered and their grandiosity. But how can we perceive it, if sometimes words are not enough…concepts are not able to define something? Establishing an analogy with human life….beauty is something transmitting grandiosity and order. Thus, “small” and disorganized people are not beautiful. However, “big” and “organized” isn’t, as well, beautiful. This would look like perfection, and this does not exist. Probably we should establish a practical deadline of all these dichotomies. We must absorb the whole set…the whole group of parts…because when they are divided they make no sense. That’s why when we read a book…and we like it….we need to read it till the end. Mainly because, unfortunately, it is the whole thing that matters…there are details not considered for most people. Different details perceived by different people in different moments.
Completeness and unity are difficult concepts…they are focused when someone refers to a poetic unit, but since literature is imitation of human acts….it means that one single human being action does not have, necessarily, to constitute a unity. When imitation is the goal…the poet must search for complete and united actions…and simply these ones. What a difficult task it would be if literature was exactly a true imitation of reality!

Egomet

The Devil and the Angel...

2005-05-12T10:11:00.000+01:00

"Conceber o Diabo como um partidário do Mal e o Anjo como um combatente do Bem é aceitar a demagogia dos anjos. As coisas são evidentemente mais complicadas. Os anjos não são partidários do Bem, mas de uma Criação Divina. O Diabo é, pelo contrário, aquele que recusa ao mundo divino qualquer significado racional. O domínio do mundo (...) é partilhado por anjos e demónios. No entanto, o bem do mundo não implica que os anjos tenham vantagem sobre os demónios (...), mas que os poderes de uns e outros estejam mais ou menos em equilíbrio."

Kundera, M. O Livro do Riso e do Esquecimento. pág. 60

Egomet

Missing.....

2005-05-11T13:21:00.000+01:00

Almost a month ago I wrote a post entitled “Nostalgia” and today I feel the same. Although I have other friends there is one I miss a lot, and there no possible way of communication with him because he is dead. I feel that I am not able to forget or avoid how I miss him. Everyone has a few lights in life, and one of my lights was him. In the present moment I see everything a bit dark, because one of my lights is missing. I don’t know how will I solve this “problem”….I am not strong enough, not even after almost six years. We are all so different from each other, that I do not believe that someday I will find someone like him. For the first time in my life, sincerely, written language does not allow me to express what I feel, all the pain I have been carrying along these years. Probably I am too weak, because I am not able to deal with the loss of someone I was close to. And I admit that this is one of my ghosts….he is not the ghost, but I am my own ghost! Nothing stops me to talk with him, but I have not his answers, and this is what I need.

Egomet

Movement...

2005-05-11T13:20:00.000+01:00

"All mankind can do is to move things...whether whispering a syllable or feeling a forest." Sherrington

Egomet

Mad Season

2005-05-05T16:59:00.000+01:00

“(...) todos os seres humanos aspiram desde sempre ao idílio, a esse jardim em que cantam os rouxinóis, a esse reino de harmonia em que o mundo não se ergue como estranho contra o homem e o homem contra os outros homens, mas em que o mundo e todos os homens estão, pelo contrário, amalgamados na mesma e única matéria. Aí cada um é uma nota de uma sublime fuga de Bach, e aquele que não quiser sê-lo passa a ponto negro inútil e privado de sentido, que basta agarrar e esmagar sob a unha como uma pulga.(...)”
In Kundera, M. (1988). O Livro do Riso e do Esquecimento. pág. 12.

Why do we always want/desire what we cannot achieve…the impossible??!! Sometimes we desire something real, but simultaneously impossible (how I wish to be wrong!). Other times we desire impossible and unreal things… I don’t know for sure which of these two things I desire (real and impossible vs impossible and unreal). I suppose my desire is real but impossible. Unreal would be fighting against it. Thus, I believe it is, even unconsciously, both real and unreal…because I desire and I fight against my desire…even if the fight is completely and shamefully fake. Day after day I realize I think too much, and a catastrophe is the most obvious consequence.

Although I know I will never walk alone…sometimes I refuse to think in such an optimistic perspective. Why I do this???!!!! I don’t know for sure, but probably is to avoid suffering…sometimes pessimism is better than optimism. It might seem I am going mad, but I don’t mind…we all carry some madness, ones more than others. But my madness (there might be another concept to define me…but I just don’t know which is) remains only in my mind…and on the words I write every day. Should I exteriorize all my madness???!!! Sometimes I want, or I don’t want, or I think I should want but then I realize I don’t want…and sometimes I want to do not know what I want….I complicate the most simple things…yes….the most simple and natural human things.

The fact is that when my body and my eyes are standing still…this is simply a fake inertia…my mind is running a marathon through the gardens of the imaginary…thoughts…desires…so many other things that no one would ever imagine. It seems, most of the time, that I am not listening people who talk to me…but that’s not true…I hear everything. I just don’t show I am listening. I am a good listener…and I speak only when I want to. There is an external silence…but an amazing internal noise. That’s how I am. I don’t like to speak only because people are expecting me to speak…I speak when I want to (not always…but most of the times). Amazingly I want to write all the time…I am not lazy when I have a pen on my hand and a notebook in front of me. I love to talk through the amazing clouds of written language…such a magic way of communication…more magic than written language, only the communication through the eyes.

Egomet…and the voice of emotion (she stills speaking)

Higher Love

2005-05-02T19:23:00.000+01:00

I would like to try walking in somebody else’s shoes, to feel with somebody else’s skin, to breath in a body other than mine, to let somebody else breath using my body, to attain my favourite consciousness, my favourite innocence, my favourite smile, to feel lost, to find my perfect imperfect path…
I wish I had already found the other half of my soul (MY REASON IS NOT SPEAKING TODAY…I ABOLISHED IT DURING A FEW MOMENTS…WHILE WRITING THIS POST). I think I found, but, as always I am afraid of myself, because I don’t know how to act. I feel less heavy due to the fact that I was able to do this, less heavy, more human, more woman, more adolescent, more inconsistent, more alive.

However…I don’t know whether this is possible….how will I know if what I feel is right…is fair…where is the reason in my feelings? There is no reason today…I was able to abolish it during a few moments, as I said before.

I desire to be unable to hide my feelings…although sometimes it is good to hide our feelings, most of the times it is bad….Fuck!!!!!!!!!….why I am not fighting against myself?!!!!!! Why am I unable to surrender to the obvious without being obvious? (Sorry for my words…but I couldn’t avoid saying it).

This is a difficult step…..I will write down something I have been refusing to admit….I need love, as any other human being…I need physical contact (although I refuse it almost all the time)…

I don’t know how to explain what’s going on with me…I feel like if I was going to explode….I hear a voice inside my brain…my mind is working in order to help me to understand what is the voice saying….This voice disturbs me, I want to get rid of it, but I am not able…it is almost screaming that I must do something, but it does not tell me what. I know I must do something...but I don’t know what to do…how to behave…what to think…what to say…
I need to write stupid things today…nothing makes sense…I cannot think in things that make sense…I am completely senseless…

I wish I could be flying now, feeling free, not worried about my behaviours…feelings…thoughts…words….desires…needs….inhibitions…fears. But is too late to be flying (it is 3 in the morning)…I will try to do it during my dreams (I don’t know if I will have time to dream enough, but…)…I just don’t know how many time my dreams are not the way I want them to be….My dreams never help me…they complicate my resolutions…at least those I am able to remember.
Sometimes I dream about absurd things…absurd for me, because for most people they are just perfect. I believe the problem resides in my superego, because if I was able to abolish it, by now one of my doubts was already solved…or not…I could be saying by now whether it is, or no, good to abolish my superego. But by now I don’t know it…because I never did it…

Lots of words and no meaning at all……..No capacity of synthesis….What a bad post!!!! Only to say that today I let my Emotion speak.
Sorry for making you read such a bad post, senseless, too basic…That’s why I prefer to let my Reason speak…she explains things much better, more coherent, consistent, etc. But sometimes Emotion must have the right to speak by herself…and that’s what I did today.

Egomet and the Voice of Emotion

Perfect

2005-04-30T17:01:00.000+01:00

I wonder many times who am I, what is my life, how many chances will I have to fulfil all I want, who do I need to fulfuill my wishes, where do I belong, what are my memories for, why I do not loose faith. These are simple questions without clear answers, or simply without answers. But I don’t mind because they are one the things which rule me. Why are things the way they are?!...

“(…) What if the sun refused to shine?
What if the clouds refused to rain?
What if the wind refused to blow?
What if the seas refused to wave?
What if the world refused its turn?
What if the stars would hesitate?(…)”

“Apples + Oranges” performed by The Smashing Pumpkins in the album Adore

Things change, but most of the times we do not realize it, we change and sometimes we do not admit it…What rules our choices? Sometimes I feel that what is isn’t true, and I don’t know what to do, what to think, how to behave, how to control myself in order to do not make stupid and irrational things, why I do not abolish my superego more often (sometimes it ruins everything!!!). I like to be the way I am, but there are things I wouldn't mind to change a bit. Are these “The thoughts” we “cannot lose?”. Where are my restful pillars? I don’t know but when I less expect I find them, and this makes me float, feel nice feelings…
Oh…how I wish the impossible to become possible, but wishing is not enough, we must feel it deeply, intensely…”Verba me defeciunt”….if I know someday how to explain what I am thinking I will do it, but by now I feel I am not able.

Egomet

One of my Battles....

2005-04-29T10:26:00.000+01:00

A (Má-) Emoção Controlada Pela Razão

“Há a ideia de que quando se concede à razão inteira liberdade ela destrói todas as emoções profundas. Esta opinião parece-me devida a uma concepção inteiramente errada da função da razão na vida humana. Não é objectivo da razão gerar emoções, embora possa ser parte da sua função descobrir os meios de impedir que tais emoções sejam um obstáculo ao bem-estar. Descobrir os meios de diminuir o ódio e a inveja é sem dúvida parte da função da psicologia racional. Mas é um erro supor que diminuindo essas paixões, diminuiremos ao mesmo tempo a intensidade das paixões que a razão não condena.
No amor apaixonado, na afeição dos pais, na amizade, na benevolência, na devoção às ciências ou às artes, nada há que a razão deseje diminuir. O homem racional, quando sente essas emoções, ficará contente por as sentir e nada deve fazer para diminuir a sua intensidade, pois todas elas fazem parte da verdadeira vida, isto é, da vida cujo objectivo é a felicidade, a própria e a dos outros. Nada há de irracional nas paixões como paixões e muitas pessoas irracionais sentem somente as paixões mais triviais. Ninguém deve recear que ao optar pela razão torne triste a vida. Ao contrário, pois a razão consiste, em geral, na harmonia interior; o homem que a realiza sente-se mais livre na contemplação do mundo e no emprego da sua energia para conseguir os seus propósitos exteriores, do que o homem que é continuamente embaraçado por conflitos íntimos. Nada é tão deprimente como estar fechado em si mesmo, nada é tão consolador como ter a sua atenção e a sua energia dirigidas para o mundo exterior.”
Bertrand Russell, in "A Conquista da Felicidade"

This post was written a few days ago, but I felt I needed to reflect about it....(to assume something we fight against is difficult!).
I haven’t read the book this quote was taken from, but even so I enjoyed the quote and that’s why I decided to use it today to reflect.
Step by step I have been realizing that I will never be able to abolish deep emotions, passion, love....strong feelings. All these things fight against me, and they are so strong that I have no strengths to fight against them. This is probably one of the battles in which I will not be successful. During a long time I thought I was winning battles and battles….but obviously I never thought I was going to win the war! My Reason was able to push out all the “deep” emotions, and those battles were, for me, really fair, mainly because I was being able to achieve my purpose. I am no longer able to do this…and I don’t feel I want to keep such a battle; I will keep facing other battles, but this one I don’t want. Why??!! My reasons remain in my mind, and because they are simply mine I feel it is somehow meaningless to name them. Even for me it is somehow a mystery that makes me feel just really fine. There is almost an explosion starting inside me, because I am admitting something I have been fighting against during years…like a denial.

Egomet... trying to deny something almost irrational, simply trying…and it seems that will not work.

Tatuagens

2005-04-26T11:55:00.000+01:00

With all my strenghts I wish I was able to fly, to float, to breath under water, to curse more than I do, to feel passion, to reject passion, to fall in love, to reject love, to scream louder, the be silent more often than I am, to speak all the time, to laugh more regularly, to cry less regularly, to be stronger, to be weaker, to read people’s mind, to read my own mind, to learn more and more and more…till the day I am sure I know nothing….I wish I could be absolutely open minded to let things happen and not to make them happen….sometimes I feel I must do something….that I cannot just wait for something to happen...
This is somehow senseless because we all know there are many many things which happen to us and we do not control them….something else controls these events, but not ourselves. However, simultaneously I feel “I’m waiting for my moment” (“Temptation waits” performed by Garbage), but while waiting I deeply know that “there’s so much at stake I can’t afford to waste”….where is my point of balance??? I don’t know yet…probably I haven’t found it yet…or am I paranoid…probably I need my head to be crashed by a hammer, to be less heavy, and then I will wake up and realize that my point of balance was present all the time….I feel fine, but the fact is that all the mystery carried along with our existence intrigues me too much that I am sure that if someone would give me the opportunity to solve all the mysteries I would refuse such an opportunity….existing, and sometimes living, along with a mystery is too good to be wasted….I need to be shaken…I can’t stand still….movement is such a wonderful thing…..all kinds of movement…
I realized now this post makes no sense….is too absurd, but I'm going to publish it anyway because according to Miguel de Cervantes…“In order to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd.”

I leave you with a wonderful lyric from an amazing album I started to discover a few days ago….the lyrics tell so much in a few words….

“Is simplicity best
Or simply the easiest
The narrowest path
Is always the holiest
So walk on barefoot for me
Suffer some misery
If you want my love
If you want my love

Man will survive
The harshest conditions
And stay alive
Through difficult decisions
So make up your mind for me
Walk the line for me
If you want my love
If you want my love

Idle talk
And hollow promises
Cheating judases
Doubting thomases
Don't just stand there and shout it
Do something about it

You can fulfil
Your wildest ambitions
And I'm sure you will
Lose your inhibitions
So open yourself for me
Risk your health for me
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love
If you want my love”

“Judas” performed by Depeche Mode in the Album Songs of Faith and Devotion.

Egomet

Crestfallen

2005-04-26T11:52:00.000+01:00

I wish I could move more...all the times I desired....
Forgot about where did I came from
Forgot about where I am going to
Lost my past strengths
Lost my present strengths
But I still moving…breathing….smelling…seeing…listening…
And I can recover everything…I can rehearse from my memory all those things I learnt
And all alone I know I will be able to do this….I am able to forget all my fears…all my inhibitions…and I will do my best to keep breathing happily.
I will get free of my fears…Oh yeh…I will….I deeply believe in it….And why?? Because now I want to move them away…some years ago I did not want…I didn’t want to move…I wanted to stand still….no risks…all the time the simplest path….But now I refuse this. I want to step out the easiest and simplest path…I want to go to a higher and difficult one….to fight against myself…I believe it has been a nice battle…during which I need to talk with my ideas, perceptions, misconceptions, misunderstandings, fears, inhibitions. This battle started almost two years ago…and it has been working for me…at least most of the times. Obviously there are not only advantages, I have been facing a few disadvantages….which I prefer not to name…so many things forgotten… not considered important for me, yes…only for me, because for most people they are important. I am being as honest as possible with myself admitting that not all the time I had the right decisions…behaviours…thoughts. And I am truly happy for being able to do this with a smile in my face, and not with lots of tears running my face.

Egomet

Probably the trick is to keep breathing.......

2005-04-22T13:39:00.000+01:00

“Chego aos campos e vastos palácios da memória, onde estão tesoiros de inumeráveis imagens trazidas por percepções de toda a espécie. Quando lá entro, mando comparecer diante de mim todas as imagens que quero. Quem poderá explicar o modo como elas se formaram?”
Santo Agostinho

Yesterday, during a class, this quote was presented by the teacher and apart the synaptic plasticity theme, I thought about it not only the way it was supposed, but also in the way I had thought before. If we talk about synaptic plasticity we would be talking about relationships between cells with both the interior and the exterior environment….but that´s not what I want to refer to….I am thinking about the consequences of all these events outside our bodies…our brains….what they allow us to do…
What are memories?? How can they control in such manner human being behaviour…thoughts….feelings….existence…..life? Is it possible to abolish all those memories we do not want to be confronted with? Sometimes yes…other times no, but why is this? We all have things we would like to forget for some reason….Thinking about it this way I do not even question how is memory created….
However….would things be the way they are if we were able to forget everything we desire to? Probably not…..even bad memories teach us something….we learn with our mistakes…and memory is what allows us to do not repeat all the time the same mistake. Sometimes it works…but not all the time….we all know this is impossible….While writing this, I know simultaneously that this does not happen with me…sometimes I repeat the same mistake…even being conscious that I am doing it…I do not abolish my behaviour…thoughts…feelings…desires….probably because I do not want to or because I am unable to do it.
Am I being inconsistent? Probably yes...we all are sometimes….We learn all the time…and I am thankful for this…to find our own inconsistency is a difficult task…it truly crashes our “fake” homeostasis (while writing this I am laughing and admitting to myself that my homeostasis is truly truly fake, and that I am inconsistent as any other human being…and I am happy for that)…
”Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are dead.” Aldous Huxley

Thus…let’s fight for inconsistency…because it means we are alive and well…

Egomet

What Sound.....

2005-04-17T15:56:00.000+01:00

"What is that sound

Ringing in my ears

The strangest sound

I've heard for years and years

The sound of two hearts

Beating side by side

The sound of one love

That neither one can hide

The sound that makes the world go round

What is that sound

Running round my head

Funny i thought

That part was long since dead

But now there's new life

Coursing through my veins

Because there's someone

Who'll make it beat again

The sound that makes the world go round

What is that sound

Ringing in my ears

The strangest sound

I've heard for years and years

The sound of two hearts

Beating side by side

The sound of one love

That neither one can hide"

"What sound" - performed by Lamb

This is one of my favourite songs performed by Lamb....it gives me such peaceful moments....is like if I was floating above everything...it refers, in few words, all that makes the world move...«go round». Do we perceive things this way??? I believe most of us perceive ourselves as one purely and simply...but probably this is not true...this is not the way everything should be.... So many strenghts pushing us...do we choose where to go? Or we simply go without thinking? Obviously we have our own choices....but that's not what I am referring to..... I am talking about those things that happen almost without we have noticing them....they grow stronger and then, when we realize, we can make nothing....because they are too strong too meaningful...too obvious without being obvious. As I look outside the window next to me because I hear to much noise...the noise of the trees moving due to te wind...the sound of the birds singing happily because Spring has arrived...everything makes sense.....sounds...movements...feelings.....not controlled by us...but important to us.

Egomet

Nostalgia

2005-04-14T12:11:00.000+01:00

How is to miss someone?? Unfortunately I know what feeling is this. Almost six years passed away since R.’s death and I truly realize I miss him a lot. All those “perfect” moments made me consider him a great person, a great friend…. The fact is that me and my friends avoid talking about this because it hurts too much. Why is this?? Probably we should talk more, remembering those crazy moments spent with him, because they were too crazy to be forgotten. During the first two years after his death I used to do something ridiculous….I used to write letters to him as if he was still alive, but living abroad. It was somehow good for me…but then I felt I was able to stop writing…it was enough to think about him and to imagine how things would have been if he was alive. His position about life was too good, too unusual, and too beautiful. But even so…I know things were better the way they happened…if death had not taken him that moment it would happen a few months later and things would have been much more painful for him. Am I being stupid thinking this way??? I believe not…At least he died the way he wanted to, not spending the rest of his days in a hospital bed waiting for death. Although I now try to think this way….an optimist point of view….it was, during years, truly hard to do it…sometimes it all seems so unfair, he was so young…. But life goes on…and I try most of the times to see it the way he all the time taught me to…everything is beautiful, and when something is not we have to try to find the beauty in it.

La Nostalgia
”De qué se nutre la nostalgia?
Uno evoca dulzurascielos atormentados
tormentas celestiales
escándalos sin ruido
paciencias estiradas
árboles en el viento
oprobios prescindibles
bellezas del mercado
cánticos y alborotos
lloviznas como pena
escopetas de sueño
perdones bien gana
dospero con esos mínimos
no se arma la nostalgia
son meros simulacros
la válida la única
nostalgia es de tu piel”

Mário Benedetti

Egomet

Glory Box....

2005-04-10T19:05:00.000+01:00

“Pessimism... is, in brief, playing the sure game. You cannot lose at it; you may gain. It is the only view of life in which you can never be disappointed. Having reckoned what to do in the worst possible circumstances, when better arise, as they may, life becomes child's play.”
Thomas Hardy

“In order to attain the impossible, one must attempt the absurd.”

Miguel de Cervantes

Roads....

2005-04-09T12:59:00.000+01:00

“Oh, can't anybody see,

We've got a war to fight,

Never found our way,

Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,

From this moment,

How can it feel, this wrong.

Storm,In the morning light,

I feel,

No more can I say,

Frozen to myself.

I got nobody on my side,

And surely that ain't right,

Surely that ain't right.

Oh, can't anybody see,

We've got a war to fight,

Never found our way,

Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,

From this moment,

How can it feel, this wrong.

How can it feel this wrong,

From this moment,

How can it feel, this wrong.

Oh, can't anybody see,

We've got a war to fight,

Never found our way,

Regardless of what they say.

How can it feel, this wrong,

From this moment,
How can it feel, this wrong.”

“Roads” performed by Portishead

This is a sad song...but there are moments in which we feel like this...that’s not how I feel now, but even so I felt this some moments during my life. The point is that we establish a given meaning to a given song depending on our state of mind and it is difficult to disappear due to the capacity of our memory. What confounds me is the way we get stupid when something is not right exactly how we wanted it. We hear no one, we care about nothing of what other people say, isolating ourselves in our own world, thinking stupid things no one knows (I am happy to realize those were stupid things....stupid thoughts...). All those things taught me something...we need to be stronger...to learn how to deal with difficulties, accepting what others tell us, seeing all points of view. Without abolishing our own point of view...we can, even so, try to learn from others (is a difficult task but we should try to perform it, otherwise we will never know whether we are able or not). I have been trying to do it, sometimes I am successful, others I am not, but that’s how everything is.

Egomet

Courage....

2005-04-06T20:19:00.000+01:00

"(...) Imaginava a minha traição como um corpo desmembrado: o volume da carne acumulado no fundo do saco, a junta manchada de um castanho viscoso, avermelhado. Queria desembaraçar-me discretamente dele, esquecer tudo, mas de dia para dia tornava-se mais pesado, o cheiro fétido do seu conteúdo cada vez mais opressivo. Eu sabia que a coisa correcta a fazer era confessar; mas falatva-me a coragem. (...)"
Katy Gardner, Viagem sem Regresso, pág. 130

What concept is this? - "courage" - When I read thsse sentences quoted above I tried to figure out what is it...but simultaneously I realized I couldn't perform such a task. As I walk in the street, mainly when I am in Lisbon, this beautiful and amazing city, I look to people and think whether they have courage to face, to admit their behaviors, their words, their misconceptions about everything that surrounds them.
I believe that when perfidy happens the cause is an absence of courage to face previous feelings, decisions, options. What leads people to such a state of lack of honesty? I am talking about perfidy at all levels underlying life. Although people might argue they had to step out unconfortable moments...is the moment after perfidy a confortable one? I don't know for sure...but I have a guess...NO it is not a confortable moment....but an apocalyptic one...where the consciousness voice speaks louder, not allowing people to live their supposed confortable moments. I don't know how such a feeling is...I never experienced it...I never did such a thing to someone and, as far as I can discern, no one did it to me. But even so I know that I would never do such a thing, unless my state of madness oneday leads me to it (I don't believe so, but...)

Egomet

Metonímias da Vida....

2005-04-06T11:34:00.000+01:00

"(...) discutir era tão natural e pacífico como respirar, o mau humor dissipara-se com a mesma velocidade com que se tinha inflamado."
Katy Gardner, Viagem sem Regresso, pág. 72

Tantas vezes se discute sobre questões insignificantes (analisadas no contexto global de experiência de um indivíduo e de toda a sociedade). O que justifica este tipo de atitude jamais poderá ser o simples facto de se estar perturbado, aborrecido...desapontado com algo extrínseco à situação em que entrámos em erupção. Poderão atitudes deste género ser consideradas comportamentos aceitáveis (qualquer que seja a conotação subjacente a "aceitável" e a sua força na sociedade)? Provavelmente, na maioria das vezes não são considerados comportamentos aceitáveis....então por que razão continuamos a discutir, a obrigar o nosso organismo a um dispêndio desnecessário de energia? Precisamos destes momentos da mesma forma com que precisamos de respirar? Provavelmente todos estes momentos são como metonímias de um enorme e maravilhoso enunciado chamado Vida.
Talvez a vida se tornasse insignificante se não existissem alguns destes momentos....todos eles nos deveriam obrigar a reflectir...a aprender...a mudar a nossa posição relativamente a alguns aspectos. Digo....apenas alguns aspectos....há que manter a individualidade de cada ego, pois é isso que torna tudo tão interessante, misterioso, estimulante.....tantos outros adjectivos existem para definir o que quero transmitir, mas penso que se tornaria redundante enunciá-los a todos. A vida e todos os seus componentes são dignos de observação, reflexão....

Egomet

Float....

2005-04-03T13:03:00.000+01:00

So many times I listened to this song....but yesterday I thought about it more than on all the other times....First of all I question whether the world is beautiful....sometimes I believe it is not...it depends on the place we live in, on the people with live with....it is impossible to generalize such a concept, most of all because it refers Beauty and everything around it. This is like poetry...the state of understanding and comprehension depends on the eyes of those who see it....I cannot oblige someone to interpret a poem the same way I do it, as well as I cannot oblige someone to see my own life the way I see it....as a beautiful one. There are so many things that make us all different that it transports us to a state of confusion, living in a world where most people do not make efforts to understand each other (I know that sometimes I am not able to do this...it depends on my state of mind, but even though I realize when I do something wrong....when my behavior is not acceptable), not having the awareness that life is not only what they are living....I believe we all need to get a high level of abstraction from ourselves, being able to look to everything and everyone around us. I am not saying that we should addapt to the needs and perspectives of other people abolishing our own....NO....I am saying we could all try to understand each other....

"It's a beautiful world but everyone's insane
Either you swim or either you fade
It's a revolution time we're sleeping at the wheel
Apocalypse child in a nuclear field
We want to change the world but not what holds us back
I want to be for you what I've never had
And all of this time I was just trying to reach you
Through the rain traffic
As you float into space
Your white eyes hide your face
As you float in between - I am with you
If you leave
Fragile to the waves - vicissitudes of days
When I am with you I feel a little brave
The madness and the wars the circles that we run
Confusion we import look what we have become
And all this time I was just trying to reach you
Through the rain traffic
As you float into space
Your white eyes hide your face
As you float in between - I die with you
If you leave - I die with you I die you you"

"Float" - Bush in the album "Golden State"

Egomet

Laziness.....

2005-04-01T23:33:00.000+01:00

Today I feel lazy...I truly don't want to think too much...I am tired but at the same time I feel fine. I read this poem and I simply liked it...I haven't reflect too much about it...but I will do it later.... In spite of my laziness I wanted to post something....

Estados de Animo

"Unas veces me siento
como pobre colina
y otras como montaña
de cumbres repetidas
unas veces me siento
como un acantilado
y en otras como un cielo
azul pero lejano
a veces uno es
manantial entre rocas
y otras veces un árbol
con las últimas hojas
pero hoy me siento apenas
como laguna insomne
con un embarcadero
ya sin embarcaciones
una laguna verde
inmóvil y paciente
conforme con sus algas
sus musgos y sus peces
sereno en mi confianza
confiando en que una tarde
te acerques y te mires
te mires al mirarme.”

Mario Benedetti

Egomet

Meaningless questions.....

2005-03-31T12:12:00.000+01:00

"Não é incrível como decisões aparentemente insignificantes, tomadas numa fracção de segundo, podem mudar o curso de uma vida?"
Katy Gardner in Viagem sem Regresso, pág. 15

This sentence, from the book I am reading at the moment, made me realize that there are so many more things that we don't know....
Is it worthy to argue about them....or is it meaningless? Probably the easiest way would be not thinking about them...allowing things to float like a cannonball. But, do we want the simplest ways?
Is balance related to not questioning? I believe so. Questioning unbalances us because when we question something we want, most of the times, an answer. These things I am referring to have no answers...they happen because they have to , but why is this? I can't avoid the formulation of the question, although I know I will never get the answer.
This makes me laugh...it seems I am playing some game which excites me, not allowing me to stop playing it.
I truly feel this post makes no sense, but I couldn't avoid writing it. In a psycholinguistic perspective I am simply translating my thoughts to language.

Egomet

"The heart metaphor..."

2005-03-29T19:50:00.000+01:00

What soul is this that has a voice, that speaks by itself, even when is not asked to do so? Can we consider incoherence some moments of emotion denial? Sometimes I feel incoherent due to my efforts to abolish feelings, when in fact I know that nothing is possible without feelings, love, emotion, passion. I truly get disappointed with myself when I am not able to abolish all these things, thoughts...that break the harmony of my Reason. Are there more human beings thinking the way I do...or am I trying to do something impossible?
I know all these kinds of things are part of life but since I want balance I have to try to abolish them...because they unbalance me....I try to care only about daily emotions and feelings, not the deep ones.
Here comes incoherence again....why sometimes when I am alone...in some kind of "noisy silence" I fall into a deep unhappiness without apparent cause...
Is my Soul speaking against my Reason...trying to say that something is not the way it should be? This makes no sense because I feel just fine the way everything is.
These behaviors intrigue me, in the sense that I feel I cannot control them, they are away from my control, I cannot plan them the way I would like to.
It is like I don't know myself when I have to speak about emotion. I know my other part...Reason. Why is this when both parts were supposed to live homeostatically side by side??

"Eu era a voz dessa minha antiga alma. E ela, à medida que consumava o seu amor, lá, onde eu não podia vê-la, ia-me iniciando através da dor do abandono. Por isso ninguém podia amar-me enquanto eu ia sabendo do amor. E eu mesma também não amava.(...)
E ali fiquei à espera. Acordava com a aurora, se é que adormecera. E supunha que já tinha chegado, eu, ela, ele...saía o sol e o dia caía como uma condenação sobre mim. Não, ainda não."

María Zambrano. (1993). A metáfora do Coração. pág. 146

Egomet

As Fontes

2005-03-26T16:48:00.000Z

"As fontes
Um dia quebrarei todas as pontes
Que ligam o meu ser vivo e total,
À agitação do mundo do irreal,
E calma subirei até às fontes.
Irei até às fontes onde mora
A plenitude, o límpido esplendor
Que me foi prometido em cada hora,
E na face incompleta do amor.
Irei beber a luz e o amanhecer,
Irei beber a voz dessa promessa
Que às vezes como um voo me atravessa,
E nela cumprirei todo o meu ser."

Sophia de Mello Breyner Anderson in "Poesia", 1944

Egomet

Volcanoes....

2005-03-25T07:24:00.000Z

Are we restful volcanoes waiting for a moment to explode??? I don't know but it seems so. I believe that there is a volcano inside each of us...some are extinct...but others don't, they are just falling asleep and when we less expect they explode. I see lava as our anger when we get mad about something. I argue for self-control, but not always it is possible. The way I perceive life and everything around me depends somehow on the way I deal with people around me and with things which happen to people I like. It truly messes me when something is not the way I thought it to be. But...all these things are part of ourselves, in the sense that they always teach us something. I must confess, as well, that curiosity rules my life...in the sense that all the time I want to learn something new. I disapprove monotony...calmness...absolute quietness...I need something pushing me to somewhere, and I believe this has to do with my need of some healthy stress...excitation on doing something I like. I need to feel I like what I am doing...otherwise I get disappointed with myself. I never get satisfied with something I did...all the time I want more...I want the best...I truly want to improve my performance.
However....sometimes things are not the way I expected them to be, and I believe it is so due to my own behavior. We can always improve.

"What is life?"
"Resembles Life what once was held of Light,
Too ample in itself of human sight?
An absolute Self - an element ungrounded
All, that we see, all colours of all shade

By encroach of darkness made?
Is very life by consciousness unbounded?
And all the thoughts, pains, joys of mortal breath,
A war-embrace of wrestling Life and Death?"

Samuel Coleridge (1805)

Egomet

Discovering myself....

2005-03-22T13:45:00.000Z

Will I ever be successful in all things I do???
Amazingly, I have the answer to this question, which is NO. If I could be successful in everything I do I would be complete...But I don't feel I am. Even if it is hard for me to accept...deep inside my being I know I am not. In a romantic way of speaking I feel I miss the other part of me...which is probably lost in this world...or it does not even exist. For me, tobe writing this is a contrasense because I have been always trying to abolish such kind of feelings...thoughts...needs. Why??? Probably because I feel it is the best way I found to survive. My rational being tells me I don't need the other part...but the emotional one says I must search for it...I don't agree with my emotional consciousness because most of the time I don't miss the other part. The few moments of my life I think about this make me realize this os not what rules my life. But...should it rule??? I don't know...I am looking for answers...
Why do I say and oblige myself to believe I don't care about things such as love, passion, desire??? Probably to do not get disappointed. I have realized, in the past years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds, that I am afraid of disappointment, of suffering, of my own reactions....
Obviously...for someone who reads this...it seems I am not a human being, in the sense that I try to abolish what all human beings are looking for.
Doubt persists
Egomet