Discovering myself....

Will I ever be successful in all things I do???
Amazingly, I have the answer to this question, which is NO. If I could be successful in everything I do I would be complete...But I don't feel I am. Even if it is hard for me to accept...deep inside my being I know I am not. In a romantic way of speaking I feel I miss the other part of me...which is probably lost in this world...or it does not even exist. For me, tobe writing this is a contrasense because I have been always trying to abolish such kind of feelings...thoughts...needs. Why??? Probably because I feel it is the best way I found to survive. My rational being tells me I don't need the other part...but the emotional one says I must search for it...I don't agree with my emotional consciousness because most of the time I don't miss the other part. The few moments of my life I think about this make me realize this os not what rules my life. But...should it rule??? I don't know...I am looking for answers...
Why do I say and oblige myself to believe I don't care about things such as love, passion, desire??? Probably to do not get disappointed. I have realized, in the past years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds, that I am afraid of disappointment, of suffering, of my own reactions....
Obviously...for someone who reads this...it seems I am not a human being, in the sense that I try to abolish what all human beings are looking for.
Doubt persists
Egomet