Higher Love

I would like to try walking in somebody else’s shoes, to feel with somebody else’s skin, to breath in a body other than mine, to let somebody else breath using my body, to attain my favourite consciousness, my favourite innocence, my favourite smile, to feel lost, to find my perfect imperfect path…
I wish I had already found the other half of my soul (MY REASON IS NOT SPEAKING TODAY…I ABOLISHED IT DURING A FEW MOMENTS…WHILE WRITING THIS POST). I think I found, but, as always I am afraid of myself, because I don’t know how to act. I feel less heavy due to the fact that I was able to do this, less heavy, more human, more woman, more adolescent, more inconsistent, more alive.

However…I don’t know whether this is possible….how will I know if what I feel is right…is fair…where is the reason in my feelings? There is no reason today…I was able to abolish it during a few moments, as I said before.

I desire to be unable to hide my feelings…although sometimes it is good to hide our feelings, most of the times it is bad….Fuck!!!!!!!!!….why I am not fighting against myself?!!!!!! Why am I unable to surrender to the obvious without being obvious? (Sorry for my words…but I couldn’t avoid saying it).

This is a difficult step…..I will write down something I have been refusing to admit….I need love, as any other human being…I need physical contact (although I refuse it almost all the time)…

I don’t know how to explain what’s going on with me…I feel like if I was going to explode….I hear a voice inside my brain…my mind is working in order to help me to understand what is the voice saying….This voice disturbs me, I want to get rid of it, but I am not able…it is almost screaming that I must do something, but it does not tell me what. I know I must do something...but I don’t know what to do…how to behave…what to think…what to say…
I need to write stupid things today…nothing makes sense…I cannot think in things that make sense…I am completely senseless…

I wish I could be flying now, feeling free, not worried about my behaviours…feelings…thoughts…words….desires…needs….inhibitions…fears. But is too late to be flying (it is 3 in the morning)…I will try to do it during my dreams (I don’t know if I will have time to dream enough, but…)…I just don’t know how many time my dreams are not the way I want them to be….My dreams never help me…they complicate my resolutions…at least those I am able to remember.
Sometimes I dream about absurd things…absurd for me, because for most people they are just perfect. I believe the problem resides in my superego, because if I was able to abolish it, by now one of my doubts was already solved…or not…I could be saying by now whether it is, or no, good to abolish my superego. But by now I don’t know it…because I never did it…

Lots of words and no meaning at all……..No capacity of synthesis….What a bad post!!!! Only to say that today I let my Emotion speak.
Sorry for making you read such a bad post, senseless, too basic…That’s why I prefer to let my Reason speak…she explains things much better, more coherent, consistent, etc. But sometimes Emotion must have the right to speak by herself…and that’s what I did today.

Egomet and the Voice of Emotion